11-gun salute

I just took an 11-gun salute, whatever that may be. From my father. Many times, I don't want to call him dad. But he made me, no matter what. A classmate once told me I was a fox, a survivor. For surviving a cruelty I call "dad".

The 11-gun salute (warn shots) was for the destruction of some plants of a project I worked to attain. Just yesterday, I cried, cried because I have several seedling tree plants - stray plants I nurtured and re-planted, placed tree guards - the better of which our street will be shady come sunny season... better of which my kids or their kids will have some trees to climb like I did when I was a kid  - destroyed by stupid goats - our goats included.

Anyway, he - the father /dad - said it was I that was destroying his name. Maybe, he felt it, too. For up to my old age of maybe 190 now- I was still contemplating if I should right the wrong done to me. Not so much as to "us" - the family we never was.

I grew up in pain and torture, physical, emotional and mental. I had to run away from "home" at the age of 13/14 to escape his cruelty. I worked as house help to earn a degree. Because I received beatings for any or no reason at all. All over my body - head, hands, feet, 'til the beating stick frayed and gave up, 'til I no longer feel the pain. And then, I said to a being they call Jesus, "You were lucky, you were 30 / bigger and stronger when they beat you. Luckier still, you did not call your tormentors 'father'..."

It was not only me, but I always felt he hated me the most. It was probably because I always tell the truth. It was probably because in July 2005, when he shot a gun to silence me in front of my 3 scared innocent kids,  I only replied, "I can't be afraid of your gun. If I will, nobody will ever tell you the truth."

This time again, I am being blamed and threatened to my bones with my kids afraid. I am being silenced for things I was being blamed. That I was destroying his name.

And I have been having second thoughts about that for a long time now. Should I proceed to fight him? I am very tempted. I guess, this is more than the shove and the push. I have become this defiant because of a man I called "dad". I have become fearless about a lot of things, including filing a suit against the most powerful men in our block (OK, town) because he made me.

The 11 gun salute did not kill me, it must have made me stronger. It might be another sign to right a wrong I have let pass for decades now. Jesus, I am so old. I could have died several decades back, and done with all this shit, but I wasn't. I am alive, and I am fighting. I won't let shit win if I have to die doing it.

PGS

Incidentally, Pellet Gun Society was inspired by the abnormal desire of my son to have guns. Luckily, it is all toy guns. He wants the real ones when the right time comes. He wants to become a soldier. I don't get it at all: people wanting to become soldiers?

I'd like to link it to his want for order. He hates disorder and violators.  But still, I wish he gets over it. So I buy him a lot of distraction, because I noted he has dexterous hands at visual arts... and pellet guns - i want to believe that by buying all the pellet gun models he likes, he'll grow up off it.

Hopefully.

What kind of a mother would want his son to become a soldier?

Money

For me not to be interested with money and material wealth would be hypocritical. But I was never as drawn to it as majority of the people I know of which many prob'bly have no inkling I exist. I noticed how it was EVERYTHING to them.

Envy. Of course I have it, too. I sometimes wish I could pull out like them -lies on top of old lies. Or even cruelty. To amass wealth, certain qualities need be present: foremost greed and cruelty: Siamese twins. They don't separate ever. There is utter disregard for consequences, irresponsibility. Heartlessness.

This is one of the reasons why capitalism does not sit well on my vocabulary. The ulterior motive is always profit, and everything in-between just tools, if not barriers that needs to be either used or eliminated. It's sickening. For it to function properly, it must be cold-blooded, ruthless.

It reduces humanity into evil. It believes in programmed, scientific progression. But humans cannot be robots that are programmed. Therefore, it employs a lot of ways and means to be able to deliver on time, sell on time, profit on time.

I hate doing this - analysing sick practices.