11-gun salute

I just took an 11-gun salute, whatever that may be. From my father. Many times, I don't want to call him dad. But he made me, no matter what. A classmate once told me I was a fox, a survivor. For surviving a cruelty I call "dad".

The 11-gun salute (warn shots) was for the destruction of some plants of a project I worked to attain. Just yesterday, I cried, cried because I have several seedling tree plants - stray plants I nurtured and re-planted, placed tree guards - the better of which our street will be shady come sunny season... better of which my kids or their kids will have some trees to climb like I did when I was a kid  - destroyed by stupid goats - our goats included.

Anyway, he - the father /dad - said it was I that was destroying his name. Maybe, he felt it, too. For up to my old age of maybe 190 now- I was still contemplating if I should right the wrong done to me. Not so much as to "us" - the family we never was.

I grew up in pain and torture, physical, emotional and mental. I had to run away from "home" at the age of 13/14 to escape his cruelty. I worked as house help to earn a degree. Because I received beatings for any or no reason at all. All over my body - head, hands, feet, 'til the beating stick frayed and gave up, 'til I no longer feel the pain. And then, I said to a being they call Jesus, "You were lucky, you were 30 / bigger and stronger when they beat you. Luckier still, you did not call your tormentors 'father'..."

It was not only me, but I always felt he hated me the most. It was probably because I always tell the truth. It was probably because in July 2005, when he shot a gun to silence me in front of my 3 scared innocent kids,  I only replied, "I can't be afraid of your gun. If I will, nobody will ever tell you the truth."

This time again, I am being blamed and threatened to my bones with my kids afraid. I am being silenced for things I was being blamed. That I was destroying his name.

And I have been having second thoughts about that for a long time now. Should I proceed to fight him? I am very tempted. I guess, this is more than the shove and the push. I have become this defiant because of a man I called "dad". I have become fearless about a lot of things, including filing a suit against the most powerful men in our block (OK, town) because he made me.

The 11 gun salute did not kill me, it must have made me stronger. It might be another sign to right a wrong I have let pass for decades now. Jesus, I am so old. I could have died several decades back, and done with all this shit, but I wasn't. I am alive, and I am fighting. I won't let shit win if I have to die doing it.